43 is the new 43

It’s my 43^rd birthday today and I must admit that the few days prior didn’t have that same crescendo of anticipation that those twenty-something birthdays did.  Gone are my party-girl birthdays.   They say that with age comes wisdom and it may also include a healthy dose of reflection because reflective would be a great adjective to describe my recent moods.  My party will probably consist of one good glass of wine, my husband, and an inspirational sunset and I can’t think of anything more lovely.

Looking at recent photos taken I have to admit that good lighting is much more important than it was even 5 years ago.  And yet, with those definitions of experience etched across my face I must admit I feel a bit of pride in the earning of those lines.  I mean, I really really earned them.  Several big career changes, marriage and four kids, a bout with crazy cancer, and finally the risks taken to create the life I dreamed off still has me sometimes shaking in my five finger shoes.

So, I feel 43.  I am strong from a consistent yoga practice but still see opportunity for improvement and growth.  And yet, I can finally lower the volume of the egocentric voice in my head so much faster than I could in my twenties.  I would like to think that with age comes wisdom, humility, and the ability to listen to the signals of the brain and body, and more than ever an appreciation for the gifts of a well-earned life.

Lessons learned:

1.        It takes work to be present.  Busy days, weeks, and months can fly by without really living.  And I think there were years when I was so busy raising small kids that every moment just melted together.  I know they had the chubby knuckles that I adored but how often did I stop to sketch them before they morphed into the long slender fingers that dribble basketballs and hold steering wheels.  Twenty- something year old Amy raising babies didn’t realize the fleetingness of those moments.  The 43 year old me takes more pictures, writes about more moments, and sometimes absolutely refuses to hurry. 

2.        Happy is a lifestyle.  It is easy to be mad at a boss or discontented with the current economy.  But the brain is so powerful that a continuous focus on a negative aspect of life can lead to a much stressed out existence.  It’s easy to be sucked into a spiral of negative thought patterns only to miss the beauty of the world around you.  Yes, life is tough and can hand out some pretty sour lemons.  But it is the courageous that choose to find calm among the chaos. For me, this is why I choose yoga.  A method of moving meditation literally can transform this tightly wound yogini into a blissed-out momma.

3.       Beauty is internal.  I have surrounded myself with beautiful women friends.  But it has nothing to do with the perfection of manicured hands or wrinkle free foreheads.  Their eyes tell stories; they make me laugh with their accounts of their children’s antics, take care of their health, and work to facilitate a healthy community.  I am often struck by the beauty of the women in my life.  They radiate.

4.   Before cancer I never even considered death.  Being diagnosed forced me to consider that I am and everyone is terminal.  It’s not a morbid thought really……it puts things in perspective when I start to sweat the small stuff.  I’m not as obligated to be the perfect yoga teacher, wife, and even mother.  In fact, I don’t think my kids would ever tell you that I didn’t bake 100 cupcakes for a bake sale or sign them up for a sports related activity each season.  They do notice when I’m stressed out because of the trickle down affect it has on my family.  When I’m in balance, my family is in balance. 

Blessings on my Birthday

I have learned some good stuff. But this reflective blogger and yogini couldn’t move forward without understanding that there is still much to learn.  And will these lessons be valuable or even similar at age 53?  Probably not.  But I still wish I could have shared these thoughts with 23 year old Amy. It would have saved her a lot of headaches.

Moving to Madeline

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

How fitting that this gem of a quote fell into my lap just as I am unrolling into my Madeline Island summer. Not only is Gatsby my all time favorite book but just yesterday I began to feel those moments of pure presence that I experience digging my feet into the sands of these shores.

The first few days up here were harried and I didn't stop moving.  Planning, packing, ordering supplies to be shipped, picking them up at the ferry, and dusting the winter spiders away from the highest corners were among my first priority.  I have a new gallon of paint just awaiting to be opened for a bathroom make-over and of course prep for the incoming  Yoga and Art  retreaters is on my check list too. 

Finally yesterday I let out a big sigh as I joined Christy from Yoga on The Rock for her first yoga class of the season.  We practiced on the dock and as I was twisting into a pose a momma duck and her babies floated by.  It almost brought tears to my eyes when Christy verbalized the exact thoughts I was feeling in that moment, "How lucky are we?"

By the way, if you are looking for a summer get-a-way still and are on the fence about a yoga retreat, shoot me an email.  I have a pretty strong conviction that it would be almost impossible to not feel your breath release a bit more gently through your body as you experience the peace, presence, and Madeline magic that we island yoginis have fallen in love with.

Namaste and I hope to see you on the island.  Here's a pic my twelve year old took overlooking the golf course and marina a few days ago.

Amy 1, Fear 0

Recently I wrote an article on my experiences as a breast cancer survivor for the Organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer. In it, I sang the praises of the healing components of yoga and the blessings I have reaped as both a teacher and a practitioner. 

I received many positive responses.  But one woman challenged me that women should not practice certain poses after a mastectomy. In particular she wrote of the risks of lymphedema that can occur in women who practice downward facing dog following a mastectomy.  Lympedema is chronic swelling of the arm in which lymph nodes were removed.  It can occur after the surgery or any time later. And I practice hundreds of downward facing dogs.

I really had to reflect on her concerns and her knowledge of the risks involved.  I am aware of the risk.  And yet, at the end of the day this yogi chooses to continue her practice. As a survivor I have to face the fear of  cancer returning.  I would prefer to live my life not fearing a small potential risk when the rewards I reap from my practice are so monumental.

My complete response to her concerns were recently posted on the Living Beyond Breast Cancer's Blog and you can click here to read it.
 
So the title of this blog post isn't 100% accurate.  Sometimes fear wins in my everyday life.  But this time, I decided I wasn't going to let fear rule my decision.  Yoga brings me joy and joy is a much nicer emotion.  In this instance that's the direction I'm headed.

Goodnight 2011

It's always interesting to close down a year for me. There is always so much anticipation leading up to Christmas but its the days after that I appreciate the quiet and the extra time with my family. And then there is  time to reflect on the old year and anticipate the new.

Looking back on 2011 I am grateful for many things.  New friends on retreats, long standing friendships that I had a chance to develop, and of course good health.  At times I felt busier than ever before. Maybe because of that I am more nostalgic as my children have rapidly grown and it has finally occurred to me that these fleeting moments cannot be paused.  I miss having a baby in the house and have realized that perhaps I need to stop "babying" the seven year old who has ignored my requests to stop growing. And as the oldest begins planning a list of colleges to visit, I can't help but look at his 6 foot 2 inch man child face and wonder when he stopped playing with Thomas the Tank engine.

Looking ahead, I love January because it almost always inspires people to start fresh with a new fitness program or focus on health. As a yoga teacher, (and one who writes occasionally),  I am excited to share my passion for healthful living with others.  Inevitably my yoga classes are busier then usual with an renewed interest in developing a practice. I love that!

I wrote a piece for The Athleta Chi blog on Considering the Possibilities of the New Year.  I kind of like the idea of envisioning 2012 as one big possibility. Goodnight 2011; hello 2012.

Headstand on Madeline's Capser Trail.  Gain a new perspective by flipping upside down.

Being Happy

My happy husband and his friend, the smiling lamb :)

I have a theory about happiness. The opportunity to be joyful presents itself time and time again to us throughout our lives. Eventually, with enough life experiences (both good and bad), we have a deeper connection and are less resistant to it. This really struck me as I read Happiness peaks at 85 in MindBodyGreen today. The article suggested that by simplifying life we find more beauty in it and waste less time on things that aren’t important.

My happiness tank is full today, to the brim. By today I am referring to this stage of my life. I am a 41 year old mother of four, a yoga teacher, and a cancer survivor, all three of which are daily reminders of what I have to be happy about.

The first two are within themselves powerful reasons to be happy. But at age 39, prior to the cancer diagnosis, I didn’t feel the same sense of happiness, or maybe it was contentment,  that I do now. I wasn’t unhappy but I did sweat the small stuff. Cancer was a powerful teaching tool, reminding me of what really is important in life and a constant reminder to find satisfaction in the little things that made me happy on a daily basis. I now find fulfillment in a smooch from the six year old, the sun melting our Wisconsin snow, and the promise of Madeline Island months ahead. 

Science tells us that there is a link between physical health and emotional outlook. We understand that stress leads to a spike in the hormone cortisol which suppresses our immune system. Doctors at Mayo clinic recommend alternative health therapies to cancer patients who are encouraged to find ways to reduce stress through yoga, meditation and massage.

Since becoming a survivor I have incorporated 3 practices that I believe have contributed to my high happiness quotient. No scientific studies to back these up but they are working for me:

1.       Do what you love, love what you do. Too afraid to sink my heart and soul into my passion for yoga, I never developed it as a career until I after got cancer. I obsessed over a fear of being criticized and worried about being a credible teacher. Funny how a bout with crazy cancer gave me the confidence to hone my skills in teacher trainings and develop a yoga concept that brings me daily joy. I believe now that like older adults, when life experiences are ugly you become willing to take risks in order to be fulfilled in life. It is similar to learning a handstand, once you overcome the fear factor, life is great even when flipped upside down.

2.       Daily meditation:  This is a new one and I'm convinced it works. I sneak it in whenever I can and even as a busy mom never feel guilty about it. Pure and simple: there is power in connecting to your breath. 

3.       Daily writing:  This month’s issue of O Magazine has a great article on Optimism. It states, “Cancer patients who talked about their feelings had to schedule fewer doctor visits. “ I didn’t just talk about it, I wrote, blogged, emailed, and texted. I did my best to infuse humor and irony into my cancer journey and perhaps even overshared. But pouring my heart out on paper saved a hell of a lot of money in therapy. And I will always be grateful for those who read, listened, and wrote back. The writing I did then translated into a passion for writing in daily life.  Just the practice of jotting down one or two things that make me happy at the end of the day can boost my mood.

There is one more happiness idea I have that I believe rides on the back of the aging process. As we mature we learn to project happiness. The most beautiful people I know are the ones that are thrilled for the good fortune of others.  I see it so often in yoga practitioners, a compassion for all living things. 

There are many other concepts that bring happiness in daily life.  What works for you? Share the love and infuse the joy to up your own happiness quotient.  Smiley face.